It’s really hard to know where to start with this. I haven’t written anything in forever and can’t really gather my thoughts right now, but I want to.
I was diagnosed with grade 3 triple negative breast cancer with lymph node involvement on the 7th March 2024.
I started chemo 3rd April 2024.
I finished chemo 11th September 2024.
I had a mastectomy 15th October 2024.
Today I found out that I’d had a full pathological response. In other words, there were no cancer cells found in any tissue that was removed from my body.
That’s quite overwhelming.
When I’m fully healed I’ll talk mastectomy things and what that felt like for me, but right now I just want to get this off of my chest.
A full pathological response. No cancer cells in the tissue they removed.
People keep asking me how I feel, the only way I can describe it is that I’ve just ran a really important race, had the adrenaline pumping and now I’ve stopped racing I feel sick and like I need to go to bed. Don’t get me wrong, I am of course happy, but I’m extremely overwhelmed.
The last 7 months I’ve spent pep talking myself, forcing myself out of bed, forcing myself to chemo sessions. Hating answering the phone and going to appointments and trying to shut the stupid voice up in my head saying “what’s the point”. Now I feel like there was a point to me going through all of this, which sounds really ridiculous because of course there’s a point to chemo and immunotherapy and all the rest, but now I really believe it.
I was so angry I lost my hair, my sense of self, my body, but now I feel I did it for a reason. The reason being to absolutely body this cancer. It feels ok now.
The other issue is all those months of hyping myself up and convincing myself it was going to be ok kind of let me not process what was happening. I knew it would hit me at some point and I think it’s starting now, my brain has decided it’s safe to deal with now it’s done and some emotions I didn’t think I had are surfacing. I keep crying like a baby but also I feel very calm at the same time. I feel extremely overwhelmed and exhausted, it’s been an actual marathon.
My journey isn’t over! I’ll be having some more magic immunotherapy and radiotherapy but that’s preventative treatment so it doesn’t come back. But that I can deal with, a mastectomy was an absolute walk in the park compared to chemo so give it to me, I’ll be fine.
I read something the other day and today it kind of sank in. Cancer is a bitch but it’s made me care about myself for once and realise a lot about life and how I’ll live it differently, so cliche but whatever, I’d like to share it.
“You're going to realize it one day-- that happiness was never about your job or your degree or being in a relationship. Happiness was never about following in the footsteps of all of those who came before you; it was never about being like the others.
One day, you're going to see it-- that happiness was always about the discovery, the hope, the listening to your heart and following it wherever it chose to go. Happiness was always about being kinder to yourself; it was always about embracing the person you were becoming.
One day, you will understand that happiness was always about learning how to live with yourself, that your happiness was never in the hands of others. It was always about you. It was always about you.”
Bianca Sparacino
Ps. My new boob looks fucking incredible x
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