Alright surgery.
Where do I start? The surgery and all that?
Ok so, I have never been attached to my breasts, I was never blessed with big ones and I’ve always hated them (turns out one hated me too). I was told after my midpoint MRI that I would be having a right sided mastectomy with axillary node clearance + bye bye nipple. I thought “excellent cut it off”, I couldn’t wait. Since the day I was diagnosed it was almost like I was fighting the urge to take a kitchen knife to my boob and just slice it off, sick right but tell me to be rational when I don’t have cancer xx.
ANYWAY - my surgeon deserves whatever highest honour they give out there. My first appointment with her was amazing, I was so nervous and had no idea what this surgery would entail, she talked me through every detail and filled me with so much confidence it was unreal. So basically, they remove all of the breast tissue that they can see, there is of course some tissue that is not visible to the naked eye (hence radiotherapy), they remove all of the lymph nodes in the armpit and then the implants come in.
I know I said I’ve never really cared for or liked my breasts but I am 31, I want to be able to wear a dress and for this whole ordeal not to be obvious to everyone. I opted for immediate reconstruction, this involves an implant that’s “temporary” and is called an expander. The way I describe it is as an implant with a tail and a port. Literally. The port sits under my skin under my breast and this is used to expand the implant and stretch my skin so later down the line it’s ready for the permanent implant (no tail). At first after surgery I felt like a foreign body was in my body, it felt like a metal ring was sitting in there and it was SO uncomfortable - fear not that feeling goes away and it starts feeling more normal everyday and less metal boob.
I have actually had my first expansion, my 2nd is tomorrow and all it is, is they access the port with a needle and syringe saline into the implant through the port & tail. It didn’t hurt, but it felt WEIRD. In removing all of the tissue, nerves of course say goodbye too, so I have a numb boob and armpit, this also feels WEIRD, like I can feel my insides but not really, there are no words it’s just WEIRD.
Anyway surgery… during my appointments leading up to surgery I was told I would have a drain in and be on antibiotics. This freaked me out no end but actually the drain is fine, it’s just hanging there doing whatever it does and being in the way a bit but ultimately, by this point we’ve been through a lot worse than a drain ok. I did actually accidentally knock mine and lost the vacuum on the bottle so had to have it changed, you’re not alone there either if it happens to you.
So this is all a lot really, you lose a breast, lose your lymph nodes in your armpit, your nipple, have a drain in for days & all of a sudden moving your arm is impossible. All whilst wondering if your cancer has been eradicated by the horrible treatment you’ve had for however long and getting your head around being sedated and ventilated.
I don’t even know where to start.
First of all I will just say, I was so fine with losing my breast and nipple - from day one I did not care about this so I have had zero issue with the loss of my breast or my new implant. I in-fact love my new implant and she is called Perky Pam. She looks amazing, she feels fine and she’s doing all she needs to be doing for me with my clothes and confidence - Pam, I love ya xx. What I was scared about was looking at my breast after surgery, I thought I’d be looking down at a crime scene, Frankensteins boob, the titty horror show. Well don’t get excited because it was the neatest, not scary, not messy, not horrible, reveal ever. I think I even said “oh wow that actually looks nice”. May anyone who is going to go through this find some reassurance there, your breast/s will not look scary or mean. Anyway now I show her to everyone so before I carry on - if you’re going to go through this I will happily show you photos (not those who aren’t, I don’t have a subscription page and I won’t be having one, perky Pam isn’t for everyone’s eyes).
What I was scared of was theatre. Hahahaha. I was so scared of being in there, just because my job is always worst case so I am never involved in day cases (yes day case, went home the same day!) that go home and carry on with their lives. I was terrified of being put to sleep because in my mind that’s only for the extremely unwell, and breathing for me?! Horrid. I cried all the way to hospital that morning because I was so scared of the above.
I tell you now don’t be, what a lovely time. I met my anaesthetist who was lovely, I was wheeled to theatre by two ANGEL porters, they were amazing and I remember them well. These guys put me at ease so much. My boss held my hand and told me I would be ok and my husband was waiting near by (in the hospital canteen he is their biggest fan). When I went in, the atmosphere was lovely, we had a giggle and then they got down to business. As I had monitoring put on me, a cannula went in and the lovely, wonderful, angel of anaesthetists said “I’ll give you something to make this all a bit nicer”, I said “oh thank you” and then I woke up in recovery, hahaha. Oh it was amazing, I don’t remember even closing my eyes or anything, I just felt great (excellent drugs, thank you darling NHS theatre staff. It didn’t end there, in recovery I was so well looked after, the nurse who cared for me I will never forget - a saint. So yeah, it’s easier said than done, but they’ve got you, do not worry.
I never thought about clothes but please do, post op make sure you just have nice zip/button up tops that aren’t itchy or too tight because lifting your arm is impossible for a few days until the drain is out and you progress with your exercises. Also post op bras - I used Asda & primark, ££££ doesn’t always mean better but go with what you want - just don’t forget those things.
As for clothes for “normal life” I literally wear what I want, as I said perky Pam does what she needs to do and it’s easy for me to say because I had small breasts so the difference isn’t massive, albeit there is one.
Here’s Perky Pam on her first night out.
I will showwwwww you the clothes I wear I think it’ll be easier than talking about them, i just think it’s important to say, fuck cancer, wear what you want! If anyone’s looking it’s because you’re hot. We’ve been through too much to be restricted by that ass of a disease more than we already have alright? YOU HAVE GOT THIS.
Reach out if you need anything or want to talk, I’m always ready xx
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