I found out I was pregnant in April 2023, we’d decided we wanted a baby in March so it happened really quick which we are very lucky for. What else happened fast was that my boobs tripled in size, no joke. I have always been a member of the itty bitty gang and all of a sudden I was sporting E’s. Why is this relevant? Because I blame myself every day for not noticing or feeling a lump sooner but I’d never had big boobs before and didn’t know what or how to feel those. I blame myself for not knowing the difference between milk and cancer. Stupid, I know, but I do.
10th December 2023 Jude was born and it was magical from there, my life felt complete, I’d never been so content and calm. I tried to breast feed but he was a little terror and “played” with his food, so he’d been on there for 45 minutes and hardly eaten a thing, then I’d have to pump the pain away and he’d drink it out of the bottle. Around the start of feb I stopped breastfeeding/pumping and I got back to the itty bitty gang really fast (I was sad about this until I found a lump).
Throughout my time breastfeeding I expressed, I massaged, I pumped. It’s hard because there were always “lumps” but they’d go away when I pumped or used heat and massage because they were milk and that’s what it does. Anyway after I stopped and my boobs shrunk I noticed that there was a lump that didn’t go away with heat/massage and it had been about 4 weeks since I stopped, surely that couldn’t be milk? When I pushed my chest out I could see it, it stuck out, and I felt a bit icky about it. I obviously googled, I decided it was ok because it was “moveable” but then I was confused because fibroadenomas (harmless lumps) don’t tend to be very big. It was all confusing, I reminded myself of my profession and that google isn’t the way to go so I did an e-consult, lol, to my GP and was called in to see them on the same day.
The doctor I saw gave me the best chance at living and for her I am eternally grateful.
She called me in, examined me, and had a think. She said it could be milk but it was quite large and we should be safe, not sorry, so she referred me to breast clinic. I thought this was a lot but yeah sure, let’s be safe! Little did I know.
I waited for my appointment and it came through, 27th Feb, I declined any offers of people coming with me because what’s the point? Everything’s fine!
I took Jude, stupid me, and went. When I got there I, again, was examined, the area was marked, and I was sent for an ultra sound. This is where shit hit the fan for me. They scanned me, unfortunately in my job I know when the atmosphere in a room changes for the worst instantly and that happened.
“Ok so I can see abnormal cells”
“So that’s not milk?”
“No”
When I say I felt like I was going to pass out I can’t express how much my world was rocked. I know what abnormal cells are and I know what that feeling in the room was.
I then, there and then, had biopsies of my breast and my lymph nodes in my armpit. This just affirmed my fears. I was injected with lidocaine (local anaesthetic) and this awful contraption was prodded into my Cance (not a typo read my blogs). This biopsy tool thing was horrible, it feels like you’re being shot in the chest and it sounds like it to. They shot it before they did it to me so I knew the sound and wouldn’t “jump” when it went off in me. I didn’t, I just laid there silently with tears streaming down my face looking at my 3month baby in his buggy. I know this sounds horrible, but I thank those intelligent people every day of my life and I’m SO lucky that we have services where they can do these things straight away, it’s literally life saving.
After my biopsies I was sent for a mammogram
, yes straight away, and I saw my “abnormal cells” on a screen. It looked like a big white, jagged lump. I was crying the whole time, just silent tears.
I was there for about 2 hours, when I left I called my husband and cried my eyes out, I said I know I have cancer, then called my best friend and tried to rationalise why they would biopsy something that wasn’t bad, it’s just a precaution right?! We don’t know for sure that abnormal cells exist that are harmless do we?! It’s probably to do with breastfeeding it’s fine?!
We waited 8 days for my results, we went in and sat down where we were told that it wasn’t good news, that it was cancer. Grade 3 ductal cancer with node involvement. Yuck. I cried, shouted “I don’t want to die” and went through a lot of emotions. This is where I was told I needed a CT scan, I’d see oncology, and it was going to be brutal but to stay strong. I didn’t want to have a CT because I’d decided it was in every organ, every cell, and I was a goner. Brains are horrible really aren’t they, after my CT every ache or tingle I decided was cancer until I got my results, but it wasn’t.
I then tried to celebrate my 31st birthday 3 days after this whilst waiting for that brutal treatment to start.
Anyway, I’ve talked a lot about my treatment and I’m still going through it, but that is indeed the story of how my life got flipped turned upside down. Not by moving in with rich relatives, by a bitch called cancer, so unfair.
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