Ok, you love the drama so I’ll give you the drama.
Cancer ghosting! I’d never heard of this until I saw an illustration on Instagram that talked about it and I realised it didn’t just happen to me. Cancer ghosting is what it sounds like, when people ghost you during your diagnosis/treatment etc. Brutal eh?
When you’re being tested and diagnosed you need the support of a thousand, it’s vile trying to hold yourself up when you can’t sleep, eat, think straight, and your gut knows what’s coming. Dealing with those intrusive “what if I die, I haven’t planned my funeral”, “my knee aches it’s in my bones now” thoughts, is hard enough. I don’t know if anyone else had the “this is happening to me because I’m horrible” thoughts as well, maybe that’s childhood trauma lol, but when these thoughts are flying around your head and your relative, best friend, cousin, whoever then ghosts you, it doesn’t help at all. I started thinking I was the problem, I’m too much, poor them having to deal with someone they know having cancer. NO NO NO STOP RIGHT THERE! NOT poor them! Poor YOU! For once in your life just put yourself first, focus on how you are - not everyone else. Everyone else is fine, they’re not fighting for their life like you are right now ok? Losing every shred of yourself is harder than a lot of things.
How can I say this? I’ve been through a lot in my life ok, cancer isn’t the worst (says it all doesn’t it, thanks biological family for making me the toughest through all of that trauma) but it is WAY up there.
So what happened? I noticed someone who I thought would always be by my side through trials and tribulations in life, even if we had become different people, slowly but surely started disappearing. Not coming over, flaking on plans, being really vague with when they were free. It was this that tipped me over the edge. When 3-4 months into treatment the “sorry I’ve been shit I’ve been going through a lot this was really hard to deal with” message came through, pre- cancer Tarzi would’ve said something like “aw that’s ok I can’t imagine what it feels like for you, are you ok can I help?”……………HAHAHA I’m so glad that’s no longer me. LUCKILY I’m not pre- cancer Tarzi anymore and I didn’t say that. I refused the apology and I also ended the relationship there for good. Very self-esteem, very know your worth, very I’m done with being treated like a damn fool and never putting MY feelings first. So thanks Cance (not a typo, read my previous blog) for giving me a bit of that, you’re a horrid f-er but not all too negative I guess.
I think what I couldn’t comprehend was that my HUSBAND was there for me entirely and I’ll just say it would’ve been much harder for him to “deal” with than for the person who ghosted me. We just had a baby, the mother of his 3 month old baby was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer and you think it was hard for you? Where were you? Laughable.
Now you may be baffled at this, and I very much was when it happened. I couldn’t believe it, looking back on the last few years though once the anger and resentment settled I thought Jesus Christ who cares and that’s where I’ve been ever since.
That’s the thing about cancer, anger. It’s big, it’s bold, it’s in everything you do even if you don’t see it at first. I held onto this anger for a really long time, it took counselling and so much support to let it go and not carry it with me anymore.
Being ghosted sucks with or without cancer, I think it’s really important to say that whatever category you fall into here, being ghosted is not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of them. What kind of cowardly, selfish, insecure person can’t just be honest and up front. What kind of fully grown human with a fully grown frontal lobe can’t say “I’m really upset, I’m not sure how to navigate this, what do you need?” Instead of disappearing?
More likely “sorry I’m too selfish to be there for you right now, seeing as this isn’t all about me I’ll be ignoring your whole situation xx”.
They say when you fall pregnant you find out who your friends are, well after two babies and cancer I sure as shit know now.
Look around you, I look around at the support I do have from the people I’d least have expected it from. They have made me feel SO loved and important, so safe, they’ve held me up in ways I can’t even explain and have never once complained or shown me even a slight wobble in themselves. They’ve been there through every step of the way, wanted to be there too.
I am so lucky. I know everyone isn’t as lucky as me with support circles and if you find yourself alone please reach out, use your macmillan centres/specialist nurses who will point you in the direction of wonderful support groups. You don’t ever have to be alone, even if people ghost you and make you feel like a problem - you are NOT. You are magical.
Let the bastards ghost you, tell them to stay there too. You’re worth the universe xx
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