Chemo is not Ozempic

I thought the one good thing about chemo would be that I'd lose some weight. I'd had a baby 3 months prior to my diagnosis and he was a c-section so I'd been banned from exercising for 6 weeks minimum. Shallow I know but thats the whole point, it is OKAY to care about these things.

My consultant started talking about managing weight gain, insert my, stupid, shocked face here. After the discussion about appetite change, anti-sickness medication, constipation, those bastard steroids, and chemotherapy itself, I realised the odds were not in my favour (absolute fool for not already realising this when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 30).

Low and behold my consultant was correct and the weight gain and bloating started. Losing my hair and what little jawline I had really sent my self-esteem and confidence to lands unknown and I couldn't even look in the mirror (still can’t) . You'd think you wouldn't care about this stuff and you'd just be happy you were getting FREE treatment to save your life, or that's what I kept telling myself, I felt so guilty for being upset about something so unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

Therein lies the issue, it isn't unimportant, it's another thing out of my control, my confidence robbed from me, and that is a big deal. My counsellor taught me that by the way, in the midst of all of this chaos I didn’t suddenly come up with a rational thought all by myself.

What’s wrong with wanting to fit into your clothes comfortably?

What’s wrong with wanting your favourite dress to fit?

What’s wrong with wanting to feel strong and healthy?

What’s wrong with wanting to lift your bum a little?

What’s wrong with wanting to feel like you again?

NOTHING.

This isn’t about being a size 0, this is about feeling like yourself no matter what shape or size that is. And also sorry to be boring but cardiovascular health you know, reap those rewards.

Whilst I had chemo every week for 12 weeks, yah I said it again, I didn’t exercise at all. I was constantly fatigued but not hugely, I just didn’t have the energy to go to the gym but I could function day to day. I did try to go to the gym once and almost passed out then slept for 2 days so I threw the towel in (not worth making yourself unwell, ever). I was deeply upset during these 12 weeks for many reasons, but one being how bloated I was and how much weight seemed to just be piling on, I didn’t see how this was healthy at all.

I was due to get married on the 17th June, one of those “you and two” ceremonies. Low key, secret. I didn’t want anyone there, bar 2 witnesses, feeling the way I did on the day I was supposed to feel the most beautiful I ever had. I’d rather celebrate with everyone when I’m done with this journey. Anyway, I had the best dress ever I needed to get into. Obviously I ordered it in the size I needed at the time, not the size I wanted to be lmao, this wasn’t the time for a delulu purchase. The darling dress zipped up but I felt gross, I needed to pull out the big guns…SKIMS.

When I tell you I opened the package and laughed, I LAUGHED. If you’ve ever had SKIMS and did the same please message me and let me know I’m not alone.

See…

It looked like it was made for my 8 month old, how was I getting in that? Turns out they stretch and you do get in them & they didn’t disappoint me at all. Honey, do they do the mosssstttttttt!!!!!!!

Joy was felt when I had no lumps/bumps in this dress and I felt great. I felt SO pretty and like me again.

Here, you can see my steroid moon face but look at my waist, thank you Kim honey. Also stay healthy, obviously giant smiling because of this real carrot.

That is also a wig, talked about these in another blog too, have a look!

This is the skims shapewear I wore

https://skims.com/products/seamless-sculpt-strapless-shortie-bodysuit-sand

I was stressed about the price but now I see why, it actually did everything for me.

This next part is a lot, because I find it so gut wrenchingly, anxiety provoking, and embarrassing. The bloat is real, I didn’t realise this until my chemo changed to every 3 weeks and I actually got a break between. This is me at week 4 (STUPID DELAY) after chemo

Very normal, very me, don’t have any issues, my clothes fit. I’m not pre baby me, but I don’t know that’s something I could ever be bothered to maintain again. There’s nothing wrong with either of these pictures it’s just hard to share ya know? Also terrible posture sorry but I can’t stand looking in the mirror for too long as you know, so no re-takes here.

Ok, day 2 after chemo & steroids & antisickness. It’s instant for me, I don’t know if my body is sensitive to steroids or if this happens to everyone this fast

I could vomit with anxiety sharing this hahaha. So why do it? Because I wish there was something out there for me like this when my journey started and even mid-way through. Even now!! It does go away

Chemo isn’t fun, but there are ways to feel like you when you want to. They have lots of leaflets in the macmillian centres with information about weight gain & how to manage it etc etc. I don’t diet, my consultant told me now was not the time. Always discuss anything like this with your specialist team ok??!!!! This is purely to say, you’re not alone x

Peep the back of my wedding dress by the way, she can’t go unmentioned